


Amends

by BloodofSpies



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Not intended as suicide, Other, References to Drugs, but i guess interpretations, making amends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:13:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25157557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodofSpies/pseuds/BloodofSpies
Summary: Influenced by 3x15 A Higher Power.
Relationships: Spencer Reid & The BAU Team
Kudos: 19





	Amends

~~ Hi mom, ~~

I guess I’m so used to writing letters to my mom that I started doing subconsciously. But this isn’t a letter to my mom.

What happened in Georgia wasn’t my fault. I know that. Plenty of people have told me that. But somehow, I still blame myself. I guess it’s because it was my decision to split up. I wasn’t strong enough to fight back against Tobias. And then I sympathized with him. In the midst of everything, I cared if he lived or died. So when I had to kill him, it nearly killed me. But it didn’t. Obviously. No, what really put the nail in the coffin was the dilaudid I took from his cooling body. It was wrong, I know. Stupid, wrong, insane, unsafe. And I couldn’t kick it. I tried. Twice. But both times I was alone, and I was weak. A coward.

I finally made it, with the support of my mentor, Jason Gideon, who shortly after left our team. And I slipped again, out of pain and anger and depression. This time, it was another colleague to notice, to help. So thanks, Hotch.

After that, I started going to meetings, found someone to be my sponsor. And I’m clean, and have been for a while, despite the cravings. But along the way, I hurt so many people, not just in my personal life, but in my professional life as well. I snapped at everyone, withdrew from work. Someone I consider my friend now, Emily, was my target of anger, and for that I'm sorry. She was just there, but she was like a reminder, I guess. It doesn't excuse it. I know that it was fueled by the drugs, by the trauma, and I'm so sorry to everyone that I let myself become that.

I know I can't fix everything I've done, but I have to try. I have to.

Spencer Reid


End file.
